This is the story of an inner monologue discussing the turmoil, confusion and pain that inevitably occurs during the rough patches and even the end of any relationship in which love was involved.

It won’t be the most optimistic thing you read on here.

But if you can relate to any of these words, just remember; Just Breath, You WILL be Fine.

Have you ever gotten to that point in a relationship where the end is slowly but surely creeping it way closer and closer to you and your significant other’s attention? And you’re trying so hard to fight it, but, underneath it all, the two of you know that it’s coming.

I think about when we first met. We were such kids then at seventeen years old. We didn’t think we were just kids then though. But knowing now what I didn’t know then I smile thinking about the open-book empty of doubts that somehow now fills our pages. It was three and a half years ago we first said hello. And now, that time we first met at that big rock under the tree seems farther away than some of my childhood memories, and we’re left getting ready to say goodbye to it all.

I always liked how John Mayer worded it… Slow dancing in a burning room. Yea… that’s what we’ve been doing.

A beautiful song I might add – but one that is not to be listened to if these doubts are lingering in your mind.

For me personally, I fear that this point is getting close. Rough patch after rough patch I wonder how much two people can take? How many highs and lows can we go through before we realize that the highs are just wishful thinking and the lows are a reality?

And I don’t think saying that it was never really love is the answer. Because we were in love. Parts of us are still in love. But maybe it’s more with the idea of it all. Maybe its just everything we’ve been so desperately to hold onto.

You invest so much time into that person, and put so much of YOU into THEM. But, at some point, it starts to feel like you aren’t enough to them, and they aren’t enough to you. You want more. They want more. And oftentimes, you don’t even know what it is you want, but just know that you do.

And then a good day comes and you think to yourself I couldn’t ask for more. And then a bad day comes and you think to yourself why are we still doing this to each other? Why is he doing this to me? Why am I doing this to him? Why am I doing this to myself and why is he doing this to himself?

Suddenly all those memories you shared in the past turn into a sharp knife gutting out a permanent pit in your stomach. It happens during the realizations that those memories are, in fact, memories. And the present, as much as the two of you wish it did, does not hold the same feelings that the memories do.

You realize that kind of thing and you’re kind of left speechless and breathless and mentally laying on the ground unable to get up.

You think about how letting this person go is the right thing to do for both of you. You think about having to be alone if you do it. And sometimes it’s easier to just avoid this whole mess just to avoid being alone.

Does any good come out of this? It’s just a lot of pain and memories. I know the saying goes “It is better to loved and lost than to never have loved at all.” But dammit that is bullshit. I know it’s true, and I agree with it fully. I’d never take back any of this. But dammit that is bullshit…

And so here I am sitting at my computer typing this out as it comes to me. Looking at the past and the future and being stuck right in the middle. Should I fight for what’s behind me to change what is before me? Or should I let go of what is behind me so I can change what is before me. I’m in a limbo that I’m too scared to get out of.

And so soon enough the inevitable will come. I think we’re both getting tired of dancing in the burning room. And soon we’ll have loved and lost and that quote will mean a lot more to each of us than it ever did.

And we’ll move on and go out and be busy and date other people. And things will happen every day that remind us of each other. We’ll see pictures and people will ask us how the other is doing not knowing we split up. And we’ll smile, and nod, and tell them while reminding ourselves of it. And then we’ll go on with our day, and the next day, and the next…

But that pit will still be in our stomach that’s been carving its way out over time.

Until one day the pit is gone. And maybe that will be an even sadder day because that’s the day it means it’s really over, and saying hello and waving goodbye doesn’t carry with it the love that it once did…

.End

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About Lauren Rains

Hi my name is Lauren Rains. I write about the human experience. Through thick and thin, I’m dedicated to growth, adventure, integrity, and love. The Mad To Live is based on my pursuits, experiments, research, and lessons of challenge and triumph in all areas of life, including being entrepreneur, a writer, a philosopher, a traveler, a teacher, a student, a creative, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a significant other, a stranger and the list goes on. At the end of the day, I believe human beings are here for two reasons: 1.) to love one another with total acceptance, and 2.) to see what we’re made of as we create the possibilities for an abundant life for ourselves and for others. No more bullshit, let's just enjoy our lives.

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