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In Which We Breakup and We Say Goodbye and its so Hard

This is the story of an inner monologue discussing the turmoil, confusion and pain that inevitably occurs during the rough patches and even the end of any relationship in which love was involved.

It won’t be the most optimistic thing you read on here.

But if you can relate to any of these words, just remember; Just Breath, You WILL be Fine.

Have you ever gotten to that point in a relationship where the end is slowly but surely creeping it way closer and closer to you and your significant other’s attention? And you’re trying so hard to fight it, but, underneath it all, the two of you know that it’s coming.

I think about when we first met. We were such kids then at seventeen years old. We didn’t think we were just kids then though. But knowing now what I didn’t know then I smile thinking about the open-book empty of doubts that somehow now fills our pages. It was three and a half years ago we first said hello. And now, that time we first met at that big rock under the tree seems farther away than some of my childhood memories, and we’re left getting ready to say goodbye to it all.

I always liked how John Mayer worded it… Slow dancing in a burning room. Yea… that’s what we’ve been doing.

A beautiful song I might add – but one that is not to be listened to if these doubts are lingering in your mind.

For me personally, I fear that this point is getting close. Rough patch after rough patch I wonder how much two people can take? How many highs and lows can we go through before we realize that the highs are just wishful thinking and the lows are a reality?

And I don’t think saying that it was never really love is the answer. Because we were in love. Parts of us are still in love. But maybe it’s more with the idea of it all. Maybe its just everything we’ve been so desperately to hold onto.

You invest so much time into that person, and put so much of YOU into THEM. But, at some point, it starts to feel like you aren’t enough to them, and they aren’t enough to you. You want more. They want more. And oftentimes, you don’t even know what it is you want, but just know that you do.

And then a good day comes and you think to yourself I couldn’t ask for more. And then a bad day comes and you think to yourself why are we still doing this to each other? Why is he doing this to me? Why am I doing this to him? Why am I doing this to myself and why is he doing this to himself?

Suddenly all those memories you shared in the past turn into a sharp knife gutting out a permanent pit in your stomach. It happens during the realizations that those memories are, in fact, memories. And the present, as much as the two of you wish it did, does not hold the same feelings that the memories do.

You realize that kind of thing and you’re kind of left speechless and breathless and mentally laying on the ground unable to get up.

You think about how letting this person go is the right thing to do for both of you. You think about having to be alone if you do it. And sometimes it’s easier to just avoid this whole mess just to avoid being alone.

Does any good come out of this? It’s just a lot of pain and memories. I know the saying goes “It is better to loved and lost than to never have loved at all.” But dammit that is bullshit. I know it’s true, and I agree with it fully. I’d never take back any of this. But dammit that is bullshit…

And so here I am sitting at my computer typing this out as it comes to me. Looking at the past and the future and being stuck right in the middle. Should I fight for what’s behind me to change what is before me? Or should I let go of what is behind me so I can change what is before me. I’m in a limbo that I’m too scared to get out of.

And so soon enough the inevitable will come. I think we’re both getting tired of dancing in the burning room. And soon we’ll have loved and lost and that quote will mean a lot more to each of us than it ever did.

And we’ll move on and go out and be busy and date other people. And things will happen every day that remind us of each other. We’ll see pictures and people will ask us how the other is doing not knowing we split up. And we’ll smile, and nod, and tell them while reminding ourselves of it. And then we’ll go on with our day, and the next day, and the next…

But that pit will still be in our stomach that’s been carving its way out over time.

Until one day the pit is gone. And maybe that will be an even sadder day because that’s the day it means it’s really over, and saying hello and waving goodbye doesn’t carry with it the love that it once did…

.End

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About Lauren Rains

Hi my name is Lauren Rains. I write about the human experience. Through thick and thin, I’m dedicated to growth, adventure, integrity, and love. The Mad To Live is based on my pursuits, experiments, research, and lessons of challenge and triumph in all areas of life, including being entrepreneur, a writer, a philosopher, a traveler, a teacher, a student, a creative, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a significant other, a stranger and the list goes on. At the end of the day, I believe human beings are here for two reasons: 1.) to love one another with total acceptance, and 2.) to see what we’re made of as we create the possibilities for an abundant life for ourselves and for others. No more bullshit, let's just enjoy our lives.

Share with me what you're getting into that matters to you. It could be stepping into entrepreneurial pursuits, embarking on a journey of the self, making a crazy life change, or even if you're totally stuck. I want to connect with, support, collaborate with, and learn from as many people as possible through this blog (that means you!) Click the *Share* link in the main menu and let's connect by filling out the form.

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  • carole

    yes, a sad post, but you’ve expressed it beautifully.

    • Hey Carole,
      Yea I guess we can’t have happiness without sadness and good without bad. It’s a bumpy ride along the way, and sometimes just writing it out like this helps us see beyond the bumps.
      Thanks for reading and the kind words as well 🙂

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  • This is an awesome post Lauren. How are you now, four months later? Did you make the break back in October when you wrote this? Is the pit still carved?

    • Hey Jenny,
      Thank you so much for reading it and sharing it on Twitter. This post was extremely personal for me and I wasn’t even going to publish it actually. But, I thought maybe someone going through the same thing might feel better knowing that I’ve been there too.

      As far as the pit goes, yea its still carved. It’s still really hard and I’m still going through it. I guess you could say that I haven’t quite walked away form it. I’m still scared to death of that final paragraph.

      But I’ve learned so much from going through this. And even what Raam wrote below how I’ve been learning to look at it. Because in the end, yea, we come into each other’s lives at different timesm for different reasons, and the same goes for leaving.
      What is meant to be will be and that’s the mindset I strive to keep!

  • Wow, how I can relate!

    What I’ve learned to accept is that people come into our lives at different times for different reasons, creating varying levels of relationships that all teach us something along the way. We cannot possibly know what we will need in the future or how our life will change course, but if we’re always open to learning lessons from those we come in contact with, then no matter what the outcome of a relationship it will not have been in vain.

    What hurts is the attachment to the way we assumed things would always be, the realization that the future we envisioned is now not going to be there. But I think getting attached to any vision of the future is bound for produce pain, whereas focusing on the potential of the present to create the future fills us with hope.

    I look at my past as a book of lessons, a long series of choices and the lessons I can learn from the results of those choices. Relationships that didn’t work were not failures, but rather each one taught me an enormous lesson about life and about myself, about who I was and what I wanted from life.

    I think the worst thing we can do is ignore what life is telling us and pretend that things will work out if we just ignore them long enough. That’s just killing all the potential of the present, for both involved in the relationship.

    You expressed this so beautifully and reminded me why it’s so important to be mindful of communicating and sharing what we feel life is telling us — to always learn from the past, be mindful of the present, and to be enthusiastic of the possibility that the future holds!

    • Hey Raam,
      Thank you so much for this sincere comment. And to be honest with you, I really needed to hear this! It’s funny b/c that post got tweet from some Plugin I just installed to tweet old posts now and then. I think it was perfect timing.
      This article isn’t all that old and I’m still totally going through a lot of what I talked about here. And it’s been the walking away from all that we had envisioned for ourselves that’s caused a big part of that pit.

      But despite that, I’m so glad that I finally did start to listen to what life was telling me. Yea, it got to the point where it seemed like everything around me was screaming at me that it was time until i finally listened, but at least I did. It’s amazing how long we’ll let ourselves sit in limbo simply because we’re afraid of the uncertainty that rests outside of it.

      And as for relationships -what will be will be. If anything, we’ve been given the gift of knowing what it is to love someone unconditionally and to be loved in that same way right back. And I wouldn’t change a thing 🙂

      Thanks for sharing Raam! I really appreciate your thoughtful words,
      Laur

  • I finally wrote the post to my last break up. It was too raw to write until a year later. I definitely invested too much of me and it wasn’t until I left to travel I realized I existed on my own, and I was just fine.

    • Hey Ayngelina,
      I can really relate to what you’re saying here, especially the part of realizing you exist on your own. I think I am finally really embracing that. I mean, I always have, but not like I wanted to. There was something missing.
      It’s funny to think so many of us write about whatever it is our blog is about – travel, personal development, adventure, countries, culture, crazi-to-do’s, food. We always seem so go-go-go on our blogs. But behind the scenes, be it a few months ago or a year ago, we’re all dealing with some crazy things.
      Travel, writing, exploring is definitley one of the best outlets to find that existence, and I’m glad that you did 🙂

  • This post speaks to me so much, and is just what I needed to read at this time in my life.

    Every word is SO true. I was with my last boyfriend for three years, for the last year of our relationship we were both so miserable and unhappy but SO in love with each other that we didn’t do anything. Swept it under the carpet and pretended not to notice the signs. We broke up 6 months ago and I’m still completely devastated and heartbroken from it all. It hurts to love someone so much, but know that we can never be together, and that it will never ever work. I wonder how long it really takes to get over someone… But it gets better everyday, and I have my trip to look forward to now – Something I wouldn’t be able to do if I was still with him 🙂 Silver lining and all that 🙂

    • Hey Lauren
      (Nice Name! hehe)
      Wow you are and I are right on the same page. I really thank you for sharing because honestly it helps me a lot to know I’m not alone. I relate so much – I still love him and he’s the most wonderful person I’ve always met, but I dunno, something wasn’t right.
      And its hard.
      And I too am diving into projects and travel and making plans. I’ve embraced my independence more than ever and for the first time in my life I feel like I’m truly in control. But, some days it’s still tough.
      But so good for you that you didn’t stay in something you knew wasn’t right. So many people do that b/c they’re afraid of the uncertainty of leaving. It’s a brave move!
      TO the silver lining,
      Lauren 🙂

  • This post actually made me tear up a little bit. I think you’ll be stronger and better, but I’m sure it will be a slow process. Chin up, Lauren.

    • Hey Kyle,
      Thanks so much for the comment of support. I don’t usually reread this post unless I’m in the mood to tear up a bit myself heh. It’s been a bumpy road, but I can honestly say I’m 100x stronger today than I was when I wrote that. Everything happens for a reason, ya know. Even the stuff that’s so hard.
      Thanks Kyle!
      – Laur

  • oh lauren i can relate. going through a divorce right now and we were together nearly 10 years and married nearly 5. he and i are SO INCREDIBLY ALIKE in the oddest, quirkiest of ways and are such good friends that it camouflaged a broken romance for quite a while… until we couldn’t ignore it any more. now ready to leap toward my dreams like nobody’s business…on the good days. i wrote a couple of posts about the tough times and got the most amazing comments. wonder if they’d help you to read? i know your post and comments have been nice for me to read. and really appreciate your bravery and eloquence here. and i really think our instincts will never do us wrong 🙂

  • bru

    Saying goodbye is never an easy thing… what more with breaking up? It’s hard to accept that things between the two of you did not work quite well. All that’s left is the option of ending it up. But in every ending, there is a new beginning. So just continue to open up your heart until you meet the one meant for you.

  • natashaF

    I guess we all experienced heartaches part of loving is the hurtful experiences that made us a better person or lover.